Crimson

Yulia Edenburgh Mode:

...

Can you see what I see?
I doubt you can, after all no one ever does or did.

Can you feel what I feel?
I doubt you can, because no one ever came close to feeling what I feel.

Can you understand what I am feeling now?
Of course you cannot, because no one ever does...

Sixteen years... Four years of which I have spent, drowning myself within myself, killing myself softly over and over again. So many years, so much time... And unlike others who spent it in fun and laughter, I spent it in tears, crying over and over to myself.

Tears which no one but only I could see.
Tears which truly meant how I felt, and not willed by Tenshi.

Seriously, how am I supposed to view mankind? As I look at mankind who they are today, I can't help but think, "Look at this blood-thirsty pack who's constantly back-stabbing one another, and yet they still call themselves friends to others." Are you really serious about our existence on this Earth?

Perhaps you would have said that I'm too young to understand all about the world at my age, perhaps you would have said that I'm just bringing problems to myself, entangling in all these complex thoughts, perhaps...

I am not running away, not now, not forever. I never liked to run away, for only cowards do that.

And that's what your excuses are telling me. That you are a coward, because you chose to run away from such facts even though they are placed before you.

I have forgotten how to run away...
Ever since the day my heart died.

Humans... Why are we such a selfish lot? Why do we have to start things and instead of ending them with our own hands, we expect others to clean up after us? Why do we have to allow other to suffer? Why do we have to envy others, gossiping about them? Why do we have to hold grudges against others when no one in this world is perfect to even start with?

Why are we such a failure as a being?

Please... Leave me in peace if you take me as trash... Just go... I rather be alone than to change myself to accomodate to you.

Ame wa...hontou ni...suteki ne...

Onegai, korosu watashi...Kono bakaero...

Korosu wa......

Apologization

Roy Maxwell mode:

Gomen nasai, watashi no tomodachi. I cannot keep the promise that we made. No...make it I don't wish to keep the promise that we made. I'm sorry, truly and seriously sorry. I don't deserve you as a friend.

In fact, I don't deserve anyone as a friend. Nor do I deserve to be anyone's friend.

Today, I look at myself in the mirror, and I asked myself, "Why should I have friends?" When I relook at my actions, I can help but smile, tears crying freely in my heart. Yet, no one will ever see it, nor will they feel it, for they are too busy with their life, coop up with trying their very best in everything.

However, I do not even wish to try and work hard.

Yes, I am ruining myself. Literally.

I ask myself, which person with a sane mind wouldn't envy others. I ask myself, which person with a sane mind wouldn't get jealous of others. I ask myself, which person with a sane mind wouldn't hope for the best for him or herself only. I ask myself...

Indeed, I'm the one without a sane mind.

When I see others whom I know doing their best, I feel happy for them. When I see others lost, I motivate them. When I see others sad, I comfort them. When I see others angry, I share their anger.

No, I'm not a noble person nor a saint. Just a misled soul.

When I see their happy faces, see their feelings, I can't help but think, 'Look, they are feeling happiness.' To me, to see the word happy once again would mean that I would be dead. Who's there to give me happiness when I needed it the most? Who's there to share my troubles and my thoughts when I wanted to?

No one...

After a while, everything around you numbs to nothing. After a while, you will see that there's no need to strive for anything, for nothing in the world is perfect. After a while...

You will get tired with life.

How many a times have I reluctantly agreed to requests of others, I cannot remember. Though it pains me to give a firm 'no', there are times which I have seen that there is no need for me at all. After all, I am just a wandering lost soul, walking, wandering in this big, borderless world.

After all, I am never noticed.

I might as well be gone from the face of this world.

Feelings

Tenshi mode:

Amazing, truly. This body actually feels guilt. I laugh.

A certain person said, "There is less than a month left for you to respect the teachers." I muse.

Actually, I see the need in respecting them. But I do not see the need to perform it.

In my opinion, I hate teachers. Yes, I will truly never want to be one.

Ironic isn't it? Whenever those bugs meet up with problems, the first person they seek to solve after the teachers, is me. And yes, I helped them. So that makes me an idiot. Weird isn't it, how I show others that I'm one who disregards the teachers when I am in school whereas out of it, I am just a mere solemn and quiet person, greeting the teachers when I see them, smiling at them when necessary.

In fact, I only keep quiet when I'm out of school.

Someone once asked me, "Why are you so quiet nowadays?" I took to the defensive, saying that that's because there's no topic for me to talk about, and of course, these words fell onto deaf ears anyway. In actual fact, I do not speak because I see the need to shut myself up. While others are able to open up, I cannot, not because I don't want to, but because no one cares about it. If so, why should I even bother at all?

In the rain, I throw my head back, allowing the droplets of rain to fall onto me. To others, their bodies are so precious that they can't bear to even drench themselves, but to me, I love the feeling of the rain.

The cool clear water which is able to wash away the sins within.

Against the warm skin, the droplets fell, steady and mildly. To make matters even better, with earphone on at a high volume, I am able to completely seclude myself in a world that belongs to me and only me. When others call out to me, I pretend not to hear. When others wave to me, I pretend not to see.

Just because I want a little privacy to myself.

Indeed, I lack the care from others. Yet, I have seen, that comfort need not come from them. There are 'others' which are readily giving the comfort.

Each morning, a certain person would greet 'us'. Without so much more then a call of the pet name, she gives 'us' a hug, in front of many others, not caring if people had the wrong thoughts. Initially, 'we' were all taken aback, but after a while, 'everyone' had to agree that it was needed. Much needed. Though 'we' wanted to return with a deep embrace each time, 'we' held back, because that would have shown the sadness within us all these days. Ironically, 'we' forbid that feeling to ooze out at any one time. That's because we know, no one is willing to share the burden with us...

No one at all.

Thus, we are just lonesome dreamers, fighting for what we believe in, even though we know it's impossible.
Dreamers who are fighting to reach the top. Dreamers who have a motive, the motive to just live. Dreamers who are fighting...

To change fate.

Reasons do not exist

Roy Maxwell mode:

Saw this off someone I know... Guess this makes things clear about 'us' better.

1. I'm never an introvert, it's just the fact that no one wants to talk to me that I chose to keep to myself. I have EQ, don't worry, I'm not like what some people commented me to be.
2. I have a small number of aquiantances in school, introduced mostly by my friends. Of course, I don't really know much about them, and neither do they know about me, so there.
3. I have a small group of best friends, but we are not very close. They are the best company that I can get, and the reason that I exist in that school, because we made a promise to each other.
4. Never make me walk behind you. You'll never know when I'll pull off a disappearing act.
5. Never make me walk in front as well. I'll just blend in with the crowd even before you can say "Eh?"
6. I am never sneaky. Blame it on the fact that you aren't observant if I every scare you from behind.
7. I'm just a puppet Chairman. Do not mind me... No one respects me any way.
8. I'm always misunderstood and unnoticed by everyone. This is the truth. Don't believe, ask yourself.
9. Skipping lunch is what I do best... Though my appetite isn't small...
10. How else do you think I can save up?
11. I'm not a very nice person to push around with. I admit, I allow that.
12. Next time, it's your life with it.
13. I don't like people using me. I repeat, don't.
14. I (or rather, Tenshi) cry very easily. Over almost anything. All except deaths and such. Heck her...
15. I'm always treated like a problematic student.
16. How else would you explain for the gazes the staff of the school gives me?
17. I don't like acting without thinking.
18. Thinking about the end of an event would be more appropriate to me then plunging in straight away.
19. I am notorious for my anger... Though recently, being in this stupid school has diminished it greatly.
20. I'm ultra under-estimated by people... I more than just what you think I am.
21. Hence, stop bragging about things that you think I do not have.
22. Unlike a test in the assement book, I do not like to wait. I rather take the initiative.
23. Yes, I confessed to a guy that I liked him. He did to, not forced though. Things are on hold at the moment. We both agreed studies come first.
24. I never liked my school. So there.
25. I work in the night alongside music. Don't believe me? To hell with you then...
26. I have no idea why I'm studying... There's no motive in it for me.
27. Talk about guys... What do you want to know about?
28. No, I do not throw myself onto guys as some people I know do.
29. I do not have very comprehensive anime data, but yes, I do have some.
30. No, I do not allow free leeching.
31. Worst, you should go hang yourself for spoiling my anime discs.
32. I do not have much mangas. Worksheets fill the 8 over boxes under my bed instead.
33. How many titles do I have? Too lazy to count. Come over next time and take a look instead.
34. I do not sleep in my room. Yes, I have one to myself, a bed as well, but no, I do not sleep here.
35. Instead, I nap here only when I get sleepy from reading.
36. I have a black office table in here. The computer belonging to my brother which is in my room, is also black. Basically, I only have black, blue, white, brown and pink in this room as colour coordination.
37. My computer which stores all of my fiction is in my brother's room.
38. Yes, I'm a writer. A writer for my desires only.
39. I cannot live without music. Best part: my songs are always looped.
40. I believe in spirits and such. Though I do have a religion, I really doubt God's being... Gomen... But seriously, I have seen much destructions and deaths than miracles.
41. I do not see them, but I can feel them. This is not a joke. Laugh at your own risk.
42. There's a few of them in my school. Seriously. One at the ground floor science lab, one at one of hte upper level toilets, and one at the upper level classroom.
43. Beer tastes best only when it's a certain brand. Can't remember which though.
44. Martini and Southern Comfort when added to Coke taste great.
45. I do not like cigarette smoke. Surprisingly though, I can differentiate the brand just smelling it.
46. I know more names than the people themselves.
47. I communicate better in Chinese than I write. I write better in English then I communicate.
48. I fear certain teachers greatly. After a while though, it doesn't matter.
49. I always get picked on by the teachers. Surprise surprise.
50. Conclusion: I'm anti-social.